You know, I really don’t want to post this. I really don’t want to admit to you that I have a dehumanization problem and I also don’t want to charge you, a reader of this blog, of having the same sinful disposition as I do. However, I can’t get it out of my head. I know that many of us have Christ and live in new life, but I am equally aware that we are still in active recovery from our sin addictions—or we had better be anyway. I can’t read, “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” and listen again to the words found in Romans 1 about how humanity gave their hearts over to other gods and in so doing, their worship shifted. Once the object of our worship shifts, then our treatment of God’s good creation also shifts…and this includes each other. The result of this monumental lapse in judgement is dehumanization.
Now, I know that we don’t willingly participate in the larger projects of dehumanization. Sure, I’m embarrassed by the very notion of slavery. I detest the global sex slave system that buys and sells children like they are items to purchased. I don’t like reading history books that tell the story of how Africans were thought of as less than human so that they might be treated harshly by their “owners.” I can’t even begin to understand the American pornography machine and its influence in our society. I am tired, as I have already pointed out, of watching people get shot-up by guns in the hands of persons with an attitude of vengeance steeped in dehumanization so rampant in our current American “modus operandi.”
But—we don’t participate it in, right? I mean, I surely don’t join in this sin, do I? Well, let me give you several ways in which we dehumanize others without even thinking it through, like instincts that come naturally to us but are the beginnings of larger and more serious world issues like the ones mentioned above:
While this list is not exhaustive and really has just been compiling in my mind for the last few weeks, it wasn’t all that hard for me to come up with ways in which we, me and you, have bought into systems that dehumanize those who we pass each and every day. As a minister, I have heard these statements above in a church context by those devoted to the teachings of Jesus, readers of God’s Word, and participants in the “new humanity,” along with new creation, promised in the New Testament. And maybe similar to your experience; not only have I stood on the giving end of these, but I have also been on the receiving end of these.
So, for the next few writings, I want to unpack these briefly stated notions listed above. I want to think about what it looks like to be countercultural in a culture that currently continues the ancient practice of dehumanization in innovative ways.
I have heard it said that we should seek to “be the change your want to see in the world,” and so if I want to stop slavery, end shootings, or overcome a porn-saturated culture; then it starts with restoring my heart and opening my eyes to the very things that I do, and that you do too. We must address the attitudes and ideas that start distinguishing us from them and them and them; creating a hierarchy of value. You see, I can’t pass gun laws and I can’t evaluate FBI tips. I can’t tell you exactly how I might react if I was in an active shooter situation. What I can admit is my own contribution to the larger problem, and I can seek revolutionary new ways of loving my neighbors.
I read a statistic that might be right…not sure. I read that since Columbine, we have had 200 school shootings that have killed 400 children. What I know for sure is that I rarely enter a theater, or enter a school building, or even attend a concert, or teach a college course, or sit in a church meeting in which I am not reminded of people going about their day only to have it end in tragedy.
I think about my children, and I morn the notion that they have drills to practice how not to be shot like I used to have drills about how not to be fatally hurt by a tornado or fire. I have witnessed “increased security” in every aspect of my life, whether I’m going through the airport or entering Beaver Stadium to watch a football game.
What has happened to us and among us? Why are the conversations always the same? Why are those who engage in violence always portrayed as deranged individuals acting on their immoral whims as if they are something inhuman and other than the rest of us? Why do we debate gun control and increased security without influence, without change, and most importantly, without result? When called upon to pray, what exactly should we being asking God for in moments that are all too common? How much loss can we experience? Who has a solution? What if this was my child?
You see, if it was my child I wouldn’t be sitting here blogging about it…I would be speaking the truth to an American Culture that is inept in its care for each other, that has closed its ears to hearing anything other than what it already knows, and that has preached a gospel of human freedom while truly being a manufacturing plant of dehumanization and oppression.
Yeah, I’m fuming tonight…but I’m angry at the very thing about which I think God is also angry. I could ask a thousand questions and I could debate dozens of solutions…but unless something fundamentally changes in our care and treatment of each other, what good are those conversations…and quite honestly—what profit are our prayers?
What if God’s response to our prayers for help would actually criminalize us? What if God asked us some real questions like: Have you read the Bible I gave to you that tells you how I want you to love each other? Have you read the part about my son Jesus who emptied himself to the point of death so that humanity might know my commitment and my love? Are you living in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit or have you reduced my presence to funny languages and moments of raising your hands in a song? And where is my church, my people, and how are they “re-humanizing” by reimagining the neighborhoods I placed them in in full view of My Kingdom?
I guess my point is that when we see the systemic problem we have, then we can hold that young man accountable for his horrific and evil actions as he opened fire on schoolmates. But we must also understand our inability to prevent an ever deepening chasm of sin and evil that continues to, for some strange reason, wake us from our apathy every so often to scream of injustice and crime before crawling back into our caves for more hibernation from the terrible wintery conditions we cannot seem to escape.
I wonder how much it would take to live out the words I said everyday in my school growing up… “One Nation, Under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” Is this still a statement of core value, or just an ideal that sounds great, but is not attainable and is pursued at great risk? When I pray regarding this recent tragedy tonight, I’m going to ask God to hold me accountable for these words I profess and I’m going to ask God to create an uneasiness in my spirit until our children cease dying as a result of a degenerating cultural norm.
And when I cry out the words that so often are said by Christians in the midst of tragedy, “Come Lord Jesus.” Maybe I am asking Jesus to come back and take us home with God. But maybe I am also asking Jesus to come here and reign in our lives and influence our culture so that in His tangible presence, evil will flee. And somewhere in the midst of this is the very notion that where I am as a child of God, Jesus has come with me.
- My heart and prayers go out to the families who have lost family and friends.
- My heart and prayers go out to a young man who came to the illogical conclusion that shooting
classmates was an answer to his issues and problems.
- My heart and prayers go out to a nation that is so set on finding solutions to problems we create by our
unwillingness to admit that this is bigger than us and beyond us.
- Open our hearts, open our eyes, open our ears: let Your People lead towards love and peace!
I took the kids to buy their Valentine cards last night. Going through the aisles at Target filled with chocolates, candies, stuffed animals, “hatchables,” and cards for every type of relationship on the planet…they all reminded me of what Hayley and I have made a habit of doing some time around Valentine’s Day. We spend time together. I like to think I have “graduated” from the heart shaped chocolate boxes and annual stuffed animal (which was a staple in our dating relationship between 1997-2001) and now it is about have some extended time together, usually at a well-picked restaurant of her choosing (she finds good food!), sharing and connecting.
In a fast paced life, we can buy things that remind our loved ones how special they are…and that does help. In addition to all of the monetary ways to say, “I Love You,” we can also just be present…it costs nothing and builds deeper intimacy than all the chocolate, roses, and teddy bears we can buy. Below is an article, I believe it was written by Christi Straub and posted to Joshua Straub’s blog. As we think about this week of love and intimacy, as we make our plans for Valentine’s Day, the Straubs provide a way of thinking about intimacy that goes beyond the holiday to every day, and celebrates the normal routines that build love and connection in our marriages.
Last Thursday morning, I fell out of “like” with my husband, Josh. And if I’m honest, it happens fairly often.
Here’s how it went down: The night before we chose not to clean up the kitchen after dinner. This is rare in the Straub home, but on this night, we abandoned it all for a family dance party—leaving behind an overflowing sink of dishes, food on the table, sticky refrigerator, and crumbs on the floor screaming for us to step in them.
I was almost proud of myself. Choosing people over projects, something against my get-‘er-done nature. Then, Thursday morning came. I was making the kids’ lunches for school. Josh was unloading and re-loading the dishwasher. #teamwork
Then the comments started. Josh’s running commentary about how nasty the table was and how much food mysteriously ends up on the floor under our blessed children’s chairs. The garbage smells. The counters are sticky.
It hit a nerve and my defenses flared: “Stop. I get it. You think I don’t know that?”
Sure, we chose not to clean up the kitchen together, but somehow the diatribe triggered my all-too-familiar lie: I’m failing as a mother and wife, again.
He didn’t mean to hurt me; he wasn’t even directing the comments toward me. Truthfully, Josh pulls more than his man-sized weight around the house. He didn’t deserve my defensiveness, but those truths didn’t matter when it triggered my lie. I was angry at him for making me feel like a failure, and I didn’t like him because of it.
I fell out of like with Josh that morning. And I bet if you were to ask him, he didn’t like me much in that moment either.
One lesson we continue to learn is that like is a feeling, but love is a choice. The intimacy in our relationship isn’t based on some grand vacation we take or date night we have. Intimacy is built on the choices we make each day—and more often than not, how we choose to handle these moments of dislike in the here-and-now.
So how do we grow in intimacy in our marriage, when all of hell and our hellion-like natures are warring against us? We’re practical people who need practical things to hang our hats on, so here are five everyday ways we’ve found help us build intimacy in our marriage.
1. Be willing to endure negative feelings.
Josh’s favorite definition of intimacy is from a psychologist named David Burns. “Intimacy is the willingness to endure the negative feelings you get when you get close to another person.”
I know—downer, right? Culture would like us to believe that negative emotion in our marriage is a sign toward a way out. But what if it’s actually the way in?
To clarify, this post is not about abusive or coercive situations. We would never advise enduring negative emotion that comes with being treated in such a way. Instead, for spouses experiencing the everyday ups and downs of being married—insecurities and all—actually pressing into the negative emotion can make or break our marital intimacy. I was hurt because I felt like Josh was criticizing me for not keeping a clean house. Once he knew he hit a nerve with me, he immediately stopped and asked what was going on underneath my anger.
What if, instead of getting defensive, we press into the negative emotion and give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. Asking, “What could be going on underneath their accusation?”
When we empathize with, and understand that feeling, intimacy grows.
2. Tuck each other into bed.
We tuck our kids into bed, why not our spouse? We find going to bed together is one of the best ways to stay connected. You can cuddle, pray together, and debrief the day.
And for the love of all that’s good in our marriages, let’s leave the phones somewhere else.
3. Be mindful of disconnection—and act on it.
We know whether or not we feel close with our spouse. We also know those moments when disconnection starts to kick in. Instead of ignoring those feelings of disconnection, act on them.
Sometimes all it takes is one simple gesture. Writing a note. Buying a little treat. Sending a text. Planning a date. Putting the kids down early. Making time to close that subjective gap we feel often doesn’t require a lot, it just requires our intentionality.
4. Share with your spouse what God is teaching you.
My default was to pour out my heart and hot tears to a girlfriend and come home to give Josh the brief synopsis. My friends saw the raw me, while Josh got the Cliffs Notes version. I wanted to open up, but it felt unsure and so deeply private. But one tip-toe at a time, I began sharing what God was teaching me.
When we share with one another what God is teaching us individually, it gives insight into our deepest selves. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability.
I’m learning to listen with empathy when Josh shares his fears, instead of correcting or fixing or critiquing. It’s opened him up to want to share more with me and I’m getting a private peek into Josh’s relationship with Jesus because he feels more comfortable sharing it with me. Those insights have allowed me to pray for him and encourage him in ways I’ve never been able to before.
5. Talk openly about sex.
Sex is often a deeply personal subject for women. Sex holds great power to bring together and to divide. Great sex is a mutual willingness on the part of both spouses to give pleasure, not merely receive it. Because of this, nobody should feel coerced or like they have to give in to sex. On the other hand, neither are we to withhold sex for a long period of time from our spouse (1 Cor. 7:3-5). If the act of marriage is about serving one another, it’s no wonder that that the enemy often twists sex to feel like another chore after we’ve been “serving” our families all day.
So we started to talk about the elephant in the room. The wanting; the avoiding. Giving each other insight into the whys of our default behavior. Our new understanding of one another’s view gave way to a new rhythm and desire to pursue togetherness, instead of allowing it to cause division.
Bringing the elephant into the light has brought freedom, and true intimacy requires us to feel free—to share our raw selves, to be truly known. Because being truly known and truly loved is intimacy to its fullest.
Christi Straub, M.A., M.B.A. is a native Canadian, wife to an American, and momma to two feisty preschoolers. She and her husband Josh are the cofounders of The Connextion Group, a company designed to empower marriages and families. Passionate about families in her generation, Christi writes and speaks on helping moms discover their identity and have marriages they’d wish on their children. Her honesty, wittiness, and transparency are contagious. She is also the producer and co-author of the video curriculum The Screen-Balanced Family: Six Secrets to a More Connected Family in the 21st Century. You can watch Dr. Josh + Christi live each week on Facebook Live talking about marriage and parenting in the 21st century. When she and Josh aren’t working together, they’re playing trains or having tea parties. (And trying really hard to put the phones away.)
Dr. Joshua Straub has two cherished roles, as husband—to wife Christi—and dad—to son, Landon, and daughter, Kennedy. He serves as Marriage and Family Strategist for LifeWay Christian Resources and is the president and cofounder of The Connextion Group, a company designed to empower marriages and families. He speaks for and consults with corporations, organizations, and churches about family wellness. As a family advocate and professor of child psychology/crisis response, Josh has trained thousands of professionals in crisis response. He also speaks regularly for Joint Special Operations Command and for military families across the country. He is author/coauthor of four books including Safe House: How Emotional Safety is the Key to Raising Kids Who Live, Love, and Lead Well and creator, along with Christi, of TwentyTwoSix Parenting, an online community of parents offering discipleship tools for their kids. Together, they host the Dr. Josh + Christi podcast and their weekly Facebook Live broadcasts reach tens of thousands of families.
In February, we tend to focus on relationships. Sure, Valentine’s Day is February 14th, which probably helps but there always seems to be some good resources available that allow us to reflect on love, spouses, significant others, and family relationships. I am by no means an expert on families or marriage, but a ministry colleague provided me with some articles on those topics this week and in reading through them, I really liked the following article by Dr. Eric Scalise. I am passing it on to you to prompt thought as we imagine healthy and holy families, loved one who are freed from the guilt of sin and shame and alive in Christ. My desire is to pass on a legacy worth repeating, in the life of the church and in the life of my family. I know I need three things to accomplish this: 1) God’s grace through Jesus Christ to take away my shame and sin, 2) the Holy Spirit’s transformation in my life, 3) an openness to God’s will that allows my family to experience the newness of life I have instead of the scars of past hurts I carry. So, let’s run away from these rules, and instead of ruining our families, lets build them up and edify our loved ones.
By Dr. Eric Scalise:
Every marriage and every home offers the opportunity to create meaningful relationships, to lay the groundwork for a secure and healthy self-identity and to incorporate scriptural principles that lead to a vibrant and active celebration of one’s relationship with God. In 1 Corinthians 8, the Apostle Paul tells us that “love edifies” or builds up. Love helps build a marriage. Love helps build well-balanced children and a legacy that moves from one generation to the next. Yet, what about the things that tear down? In my professional and ministry experience, almost nothing is potentially more destructive within our primary relationships then when a pervading sense of shame is present. In fact, research in this area indicates that for every critical, hurtful or abusive thing someone hears about him/herself or experiences on a personal level, the average individual needs 17 positives before he or she perceives balance again. If this is the case, imagine how consumed by negativity some people are before they ever leave the home environment.
Shame communicates to others they are somehow unworthy…that they are unlovable, unwanted and in one or more ways, flawed or defective. The result is often a debilitating fear of rejection. When compounded by the fear of failure, this two-edged sword can be a damaging force in any marriage or family system. To effectively integrate biblical truth that can counter these beliefs, it is important to have a good frame of reference in how the dynamic evolves in the first place.
Murray Bowen was a major theorist who helped develop a family systems model of behavior. He and others advocate the notion that individual patterns of behavior, as well as one’s interpersonal relationships, need to be understood contextually by looking across generations. Both functional and dysfunctional relationship principles are imparted within the home environment and Bowen’s work particularly emphasizes the transfer of the “emotional” elements that impact behavior. This includes the ability to set appropriate boundaries or the lack thereof. The same could be said regarding the development of intimacy, positive attachments and feeling connected to others in a meaningful way.
One of the most comprehensive studies ever undertaken to help evaluate the consistency of this intergenerational transmission of attitudes, beliefs and behaviors, was the Dunedin study. Over one thousand children were identified at birth during a one-year period (1972-1973) in Dunedin, New Zealand and then reevaluated at ages 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, 18, and 21. This research is a unique resource for the investigation of behavioral and emotional development. Researchers used the Dunedin data to find support for the concept of generational legacy. Follow up reports showed as the children in the study aged, there was consistent evidence that parental role model behaviors were being emulated and the behaviors were becoming more established and entrenched with each successive period of evaluation from birth through early adulthood. The Dunedin project further supports the notion that family of origin dynamics, how spouses interact and parenting styles have a longitudinal effect on an individual and that this effect overlaps multiple adult environments.
The following are five dysfunctional family rules that many of us probably grew up with. This does not necessarily imply they were posted on the refrigerator with a magnet, but they may resonate with you on a deeper level. Perhaps the first word of each rule offers a clue as to why they can be problematic.
Rule #1 – Don’t Talk – Those who grew up with this rule were not allowed to talk about anything significant or personal, especially in a transparent way. Let’s take, for example, an alcoholic father. Everyone knows dad is drinking. Everyone knows that dad comes home drunk and sometimes gets physical with mom or the kids, but no one talks about the drinking. It’s like having the proverbial elephant in the living room. We all see it. We all smell it and we see what it’s doing to the carpet, but we are all supposed to tip-toe around as if it was not there. And a big “no-no” is…we never tell anyone outside of the family. That would be considered treasonous. What often develops is an unhealthy fear of transparency and the keeping of secrets, which can create enormous conflicts within a marriage.
Rule #2 – Don’t Feel – Those who grew up with this rule were not allowed to express their feelings in an authentic way. Whenever they tried, the process would be shut down. Feelings were ignored, minimized, criticized or disallowed. Sooner or later, we come to believe that no one really cares how we are really doing, so we hide behind the hurt or the perceived threat of rejection and indifference. Again, this is an extremely destructive pattern that negatively impacts the development of intimacy in marital or family relationships.
Rule #3 – Don’t Touch – I have spoken with some adults who will tell me that as children, they have no memory of being hugged or told they were loved by the significant role models in their lives. They may have assumed it at some level, but the questions still persisted. Another possibility is that the touch was unhealthy or abusive. National statistics indicate that as many as one out of every three girls and one out of every five boys will experience some form of abuse before they graduate from high school. When I grew up, there was a saying that went like this, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I disagree. Long after the words are spoken or the rejection has been experienced, the emotional bruises will linger, possibly creating an unhealthy perception of intimacy. During Jesus’ ministry, whenever He dealt with the demonic, more often than not, He spoke a word. However, when He healed people, He usually touched them. Appropriate physical, emotional, relational and spiritual touch are critical to healthy development.
Rule #4 – Don’t Resolve – Those who grew up with this rule came to believe that nothing was resolvable or even allowed to be brought to closure. Emotional wounds were “picked at” again and again much like a scab, until a long-lasting or permanent scar was the end result. This can also translate into how believers may approach forgiveness and letting go of past hurts. They may wrestle with either receiving or giving forgiveness. Some are convinced there is no reason in trying to address and solve problems because it cannot or will not change the outcome.
Rule #5 – Don’t Trust – This last rule is based, in part, on the first four. If there is no permission to talk openly, if there is no genuine expression of feelings, if there are no healthy forms of touch, and if there is no ability to bring something to successful resolution, then the hurtful conclusion is that no one can really be trusted either…even God! Being too afraid to trust leads to an independent spirit; being too hurt to love leads to pride; and being too angry to listen, leads to rebellion. Honesty and trust, especially within a Christlike environment, are like a glue that helps hold a relationship together.
Whether we are husbands or wives, fathers or mothers, or provide counsel and care to people, we must find ways to counteract the negative messages that are attached to these Rules. The good news of the Gospel is that we are loved, forgiven, offered the gift of grace and of such great value in the eyes of God that we were worth dying for. This does not mean we excuse sinful behavior and poor choices or never hold people accountable, but rather, to be proactive as we have the opportunity to affirm others in the eyes of God. So many people are buried in negativity, often by their own doing. Transformation can begin by telling them, “Shame off you!”
Well, last week the blog was just not happening. I had a sick child and other things to focus on, so I will try to provide some reflections and thoughts this week, maybe I might even shoot for three posts just to make-up some work. Oh…and how about them Eagles! Congrats to all the well-tested and long awaiting Eagles’s fans. Enjoy this one! (I hope Philly is still there…awaiting reports…)
In view of my sermon topic this Sunday, we looked at Romans 4 for those not present at GracePointe church this past Sunday, this passage in Hebrews 2 speaks to the same notions that Romans 3:21-31 and Romans 4 address. First, Jesus Christ is the solution to the sin problem that has enslaved humanity from the earliest time. Second, Jesus’ death is a special fulfillment of the biblical story and releases humanity from that curse of sin. Third, In the Hebrews passage there is great care in selecting the language to point us to the human-ness shared by Jesus; He was one of us, able to accomplish the victory over death by the power of God and providing hope that we too might “run the race with perseverance” and “gain the prize.”
Here is Hebrews 2 (NLT) for you consideration and reflection today:
14 Because God’s children are human beings—made of flesh and blood—the Son also became flesh and blood. For only as a human being could he die, and only by dying could he break the power of the devil, who had the power of death. 15 Only in this way could he set free all who have lived their lives as slaves to the fear of dying.
16 We also know that the Son did not come to help angels; he came to help the descendants of Abraham. 17 Therefore, it was necessary for him to be made in every respect like us, his brothers and sisters, so that he could be our merciful and faithful High Priest before God. Then he could offer a sacrifice that would take away the sins of the people. 18 Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested.
I think about what it means to be a “descendent of Abraham” and how we read the story of the Old Testament as our story as New Testament Christians. As I have said before, the death of Jesus is hard to make sense of unless it is placed in the context of God’s covenant relationship with Israel and their constant struggle of being an “unholy people in relationship with a holy God.”
The main points of this reflection from Hebrews 2 are (1) that Jesus Christ served as the “propitiation” for our sins, that is that he stood in the place of humanity’s sin and took the punishment upon himself. Jesus is our stand-in, our sacrificial lamb…behold the Lamb of God that takes away the sins of the world. Through Christ we are free from the exploitation of sin…but not the struggle, testing, and temptation of a world still waiting for the victory of God to come in full. Which then points us to verse 18, in which we (2) realize that Jesus Christ is not simply the Lamb that takes away sin, but the one who sympathizes and relates to the human struggle. In so doing, Jesus can help us in our times of struggle and testing. He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.” The Hebrews writer encourages us to enter that rest of Jesus Christ…to pursue it in the daily grind. Today, may we choose to enter the rest of Jesus, who paid our sin-debt and provides help to the weary. Amen.
I want to share thoughts, insights, and scriptures that lead us in the direction of Christ.