Category: Christian Love

The Permission

3/20/2018

Usually in a conflict in which there is disagreement with a person and some of their behaviors, We give ourselves permission to treat a person poorly because it is justified.

Disagreement happens, it is actually a natural thing that occurs in groups of all kinds. Individuals bring their experiences, talents, expertise, and weaknesses to all sorts of meetings, discussions, and gatherings. As a result, there are times when conflicting ideas arise, different directions are thrown out for consideration, or even different personalities are on display. Managing conflict is something that every relationship, community, business, and entity will have to face, but there is an easier route. There is a route that avoids new ideas, or different ones, and totally gives you the upper hand. I call it Permission, and it is an effective way to dehumanize someone with whom you have conflict, quickly gathering a group of supporters and silencing those who think differently than you. Here are four ways to dehumanize someone with Permission:

Character Assassination - This is exactly what it appears to be. If we don’t like someone’s idea about something, then we can simply attack their character and make them out to be an uncaring and negative person that is obviously full of uncaring and negative ideas. This happens in politics all of the time. Take for example, a hypothetical Senator Joe…he absolutely doesn’t understand how to support our kids and keep them safe because he voted against the school lunch act that would have funded healthier options for our kids’ lunch (not because he doesn’t believe kids should eat healthy but because he felt that the idea was poorly organized and would have doubled the cost of school lunches). And now Senator Joe wants to bolster manufacturing in our state through supporting a new plant in our town that will add pollution and take away land that we wanted for a park (of course we don’t mention the economy and the industry’s plan for community engagement). Tell Satanic Senator Joe that he doesn’t care about our kids and his ideas are not welcomed here! Wait a second…so we cannot support an idea that might be worth considering because Senator Joe is a bad person? We don’t have to consider his ideas because how can good ideas come from a bad person? And that is character assassination…when we are persuaded that we can write off a person and their ideas, experiences, talents, and expertise because they are essentially evil. We have permission to do this because they have been on the other side of a conflict and their involvement blocked our goals. So, I am justified in my actions and my efforts to destroy another person are commendable (at least to me and a group of supporters).
Loaded Gun - Probably the most intense reaction in this category, a person with a loaded gun is a person who orally attacks another, or their idea, to shut them down, disparage them, or at the very least show that they are not going to back down. Now, to be clear, this is not to the level of bullying someone or assaulting them with words, but it is a time when a person feels a sense of permission to talk to someone in a way that they themselves would not accept. Usually, this type of communication includes the raising of one’s voice, irrational and unrealistic claims, and heightened emotional intensity. When you are with a group of people and this happens, there is usually a point at which a walk-away is called for or a walk-out is performed. Take for example a marriage counseling session where the wife begins to unload on the husband about all the things he’s done wrong and, through her tears, she claims that her life with him is like living in a prison where she feels completely isolated and alone. She calls him a “dictator” and begins to yell that she wants out of his “little kingdom.” If he doesn’t allow her out, then she is going to “just have an affair with the neighbor man” because that will hurt her husband so much that he will let her leave. Um…if you were the counselor, what would you do next? Seems like a good time for a break… While a person who loads his emotional gun and starts firing back can feel a sense of justification, and might even be acting on some truth in their claims, the result is apologies, conversations, emotional wounds, and if intense enough, broken relationships. I mean, imagine being the neighbor man the next time you pop in to see if they want to come over to play cards…yikes! And that is the loaded gun, we think we have permission to fire away but in the end it just creates a mess. While we might be justified in our displeasure, once we unholster the gun, we begin creating the damage.
In the Back Alley - So, while this is not as intense as the one above, it is still just as severe and makes a similar mess. The Bible calls this one gossip and it is the notion that while we don’t confront a person face to face, we meet with like-minded individuals in the “back alley” and talk to each other about the person or idea in a way that justifies our conversation. Of course, what makes gossip a bad practice is that we are talking about the problem or the person without offering a solution or a course of action. So, we gather together to feed the division, failing to produce any sort of plan or idea that seeks unity among divergent persons or groups. So, let’s say that there is a group of people who dislike poor Senator Joe from up above and so they start a community group that evaluates and condemns Senator Joe’s every move. Their main aim is not to do anything constructive or to offer any real alternative solutions, but simply to degrade the man who is in the way of their agenda. How do you think this will turn out? I’m going to suspect that there will be a group of people who are now committed to not liking Senator Joe, and while some may not even be convinced of all the reasons why, they just know that he’s not the right person to represent them. Notice that in the midst of all this talking, no one has really talked to Senator Joe, which is the magic of gossip…beliefs exist in the assumptions and scenarios created in our minds and are rarely founded in reality. We take on the opinions and assumptions of other people. Someone in the group might say, but I met Senator Joe and he was a kind man…but that is quickly brushed aside with reasons why that simply cannot be the case. Pertaining to gossip, we have permission to talk, and “back alley” chatting creates groupthink, and groupthink leads to conclusions, actions, and ideas that are again damaging.
Silent Treatment - In the first three permissions above, at least people are still communicating, but in the last one we move to disengagement with someone with whom we are in conflict. Communication, whether productive or not, has failed and we are left with a wall that has been put up—we have turned ourselves off socially, emotionally, and intellectually. Let’s take the scenario of the couple in counseling again and imagine how we would work with a relationship in which the wife will not engage in conversation and just plays games on her phone the whole time they are in your office. She is beyond trying to make things work, she is shut down and completely disengaged. The husband explains that they have different rooms they sit in, do not share a bed, and rarely if ever do they eat together. Is there any hope for this relationship to work at all? Now, let’s be mindful that the silent treatment is not something that happens overnight, (I should have said this about all of these permissions) and there might also be some good reasons why this wife has decided to completely shut down while sharing space with her husband. Yet, the truth still remains that her disengagement is not constructing anything productive and is adding to the strain of what is left in the relationship. So with the silent treatment, we have permission to disengage, and in so doing we are ignoring a person or a group of people. We are pretending as if they didn’t exist and didn’t matter to us, and if that is not a primary definition of dehumanization then I don’t know that it is! What could be more damaging form humans than disengagement from each other?

When we practice these permissions, we are so far away from the words of Jesus in Luke 6. He was teaching those who wanted to become like him through discipleship when he told them this:

27 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. 29 To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. 30 Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. 31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

32 “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

Now, let’s understand that we cannot take this post and this scripture out of context. I would never suggest that persons are to stay in abusive situations, after all this is a series on dehumanization and to bully, abuse, and mistreat people is in essence dehumanizing them. We want to engage folks and talk through disagreements, and using disagreements as permissions to dehumanize is what we are fighting here…nothing more. We want to reconcile relationship and treat people with deep respect. When we fail to do that, which I have, then we want to offer apology and continue to participate. When we can seek to “do good to those who hate us” and when we can “do to others as we would have them do to us” then we will move away from these permissions to be dehumanizing and start re-humanizing each other in authentic (yeah, I used that word) engagement!

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The Give-Up

3/15/2018

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An attitude proclaiming that there is no way a person can ever change to be anything more than who they currently are.

I often wonder how it is we can talk about transformation, recovery, and personal growth in a culture perpetuating a “be the best you, you can be” mantra. Meanwhile, the church proclaims that we are to look, be, act, and grow more and more like Jesus…not our natural selves. Recovery programs start with step one, the admission that we are powerless to control ourselves, and our lives have become unmanageable. Perhaps your boss has given you a “personal growth plan,” which is a way to communicate the standards and skills you are to have if wanting to continue working or progressing in your career. Yet, how does all of this play out in a world where a person in the midst of glorious self-discovery and “authentic me” cannot be tainted by the expectations of church, recovery, or work (or family, friends, and education).

I find the word “authentic” to be one of the most overused and abused word in our culture. We talk about having authentic relationships, yet can only relate to each other through what is good; good times, good memories, and good qualities of a person. We talk about having authentic conversations, but cannot not bring up controversial issues, and so we stick to a more comfortable shallow common ground with each other while the real heart issues simmer underneath the surface of our communities and nation. I could give more examples, but a part of this conceptualization of authenticity is being “organic” which by definition means untainted and natural. So, while I like both of these words, and strive to be both authentic and organic; the culturally acceptable definitions of these terms and their rhetorical power often keep us at a distance, seeing each other as broken pieces striving to look more put-together than any of us really are. In the midst of this ongoing plot, is the dehumanization concept of the “give-up.”

One would think that the Christian Community would have a great Gospel message to proclaim to the brokenness of this current culture. The Bible is extremely clear that when a person decides that he or she can differentiate between good and evil unassisted, the consequences are the very things that the Lord God fought against and continues to fight against. The biblical concept for humanity’s efforts in being their own gods and creating their own gods is “sin.” While several biblical writers continue to address the sin problem that has come into the world through Adam, Eve and everyone else, Paul writes to the church in Rome telling them that God has continued to fight against sin through things like the Torah, but even that was tainted through the presence and power of sin. So, God sent Jesus, his son, to be the vessel in which grace could be poured out upon sin-filled humanity. Jesus, as a person who actually lived the righteousness of God, served as an example to be imitated. Paul claims that we are offered new life through Christ, free from sin and now in under a new authority—God! We show our gratefulness by striving to be a righteous and holy people. But as the “authenticity gospel” of American culture has crept into the church, Christian notions of confession, repentance, and accountability are not practiced. In their place, we have substituted dehumanizing practices, and I will try to explain them below:

They Can’t Help It - I once heard a minister say that a popular response to mistakes and sins is, “It’s OK!” the minister went on to make the point that when sin occurs, it is never OK. That doesn’t mean that it can’t be forgiven or overcome, but it does mean that we can acknowledge that there was another choice that could have been made, and the one a person made was not at all the best choice. But let’s take it a step further, because for some, participating in sinful actions is just a part of who a person is. Now, that makes sense if we are all under the dominion of sin and slaves to sin…But in Christian communities we are to answer to another authority and the pouring out of the Holy Spirit compels us to consider that there are now other options. But let’s go further, let’s take Paul’s argument that Jesus Christ came to re-humanize a dehumanized and broken humanity…and let’s claim that the church is a place where that re-humanization happens, where God’s intention for us is restored and rehabilitated. If this is the case, then to claim that people no longer have the capacity to be anything other than what they are, is essentially rebelling against the work and purpose of Jesus according to the Bible and good Christian Theology. I personally believe that confession, repentance, and accountability must be practices of the church because they acknowledge both our inconsistent humanity and the grace of God that restores us through the acknowledgement of Christ’s Lordship in our lives. For the work of re-humanization to continue through the church, we must call each other out of the old reality and into new life in Christ, and we have been given grace so that we can choose something different!

   A Proverb that Comes to Mind: Proverbs 28:13
       People who conceal their sins will not prosper,
       but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.

Don’t Say Anything - I have had couples in for marriage counseling and you know what their biggest issue is? They didn’t communicate. She lived in silent pain for years, and then she had had enough. He had needs that were not being met, but didn’t know how to ask her for what he needed and so he found a way to meet his needs—excluding her. If you are a parent, especially one right now, do you ever address another parent about the way they are raising their children or can you talk to another parent about how their child treats your child? Isn’t it easier to just not say anything? What about at church? We can’t address situations that come up because a person might get mad and leave, or have their feelings hurt. So, we are asked to observe people, engage people, say nothing, and just come alongside when needed for support. The problem is, we become enablers and we are encouraged to be. Imagine if those who you are closest to, friends you have had for years, in the midst of a total breakdown or tragic event look at you and said, “Yeah, we all knew this was going to happen but we didn’t want to say anything!” Do these people event care for me? Do they love me? Well, maybe not as much as I thought. There are times to speak up, there are even times to use an urgent and wearisome tone when you speak up, and to not speak up, or to worry that speaking up wasn’t loving enough, is to sell yourself short. Saying something is loving, it is caring. It brings you alongside people, correcting the dehumanization that exists in silence, and re-humanizes a person who needs help, direction, and maybe even discipline. Saying something is a crucial part of accountability, and where no one is allowed to speak a word of correction, then accountability is extremely low. It is my belief that this lowering of accountability is happening in our society and in our churches at alarming rates; quietly, while we are busy making sure everyone feels welcomed and accepted on the surface…but it isn’t working because a surface level care cannot sustain the deeper notions of love and faith and hope. As I search over my life, I have found that those who spoke up in my life are the ones who love me, the ones whose faith I want to share, and the ones who have pointed me towards something better. So, say something!

   A Proverb that Comes to Mind: Proverbs 10:31-32
       The mouth of the godly person gives wise advice,
       but the tongue that deceives will be cut off.
       The lips of the godly speak helpful words,
       but the mouth of the wicked speaks perverse words.

Everyone Is Broken - So I’m broken just like you, so what right do I have to help you and what right do you have to help me. I mean, everyone is a sinner so how can I speak to the sin in someone else’s life while carrying sin in my own. I wonder…who claimed that you have to be better than someone else to help them? Who said you have to be perfect yourself before you put your hand out to another? Didn’t Jesus rescue us from this type of thinking when He became Savior and we surrendered to Him? We know that Romans says that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory if God, we know that Jesus taught that we should not try to remove the speck of dust in someone’s eyes while having a log in our own eye. So does this mean that we disengage? In Paul’s own words, “By no means!” Who better to help with sin issues than someone who can empathize with the sinner. Only those trying to live a faux-perfection and hiding their own “logs” would suggest that there is nothing we can do about sin, or there is very little that can be done. God disagrees with this position, and not just a little bit. You see, sinners saved by the grace of God are all broken but mending, lost but reclaimed, and estranged but reconciled. The very work of the Holy Spirit among us is to counsel, comfort, and guide us home to God. So, as Paul opens the letter to Ephesus…we are very well equipped with every spiritual blessing in Christ Jesus. We might be recovering from our sin problem, but we have been given what is needed to help each other. When we choose to help our fellow brothers and sisters, then we are re-humanizing them.

   A Proverb that Comes to Mind: Proverbs 27:17
       As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

The church is called together for a reason, so that we can be connected to one another. Society is the same, and we reclaim God’s intention for humanity when we seek to be connected in meaningful ways. As a close this rambling and hopefully provoking post, I am reminded of the song we sing from time to time, an addition to the traditional hymn, “Just As I Am…”

I come broken to be mended, I come wounded to be healed.
I come desperate to be rescued, I come empty to be filled.
I come guilty to be pardoned by the blood of Christ the Lamb.
And I'm welcomed with open arms, Praise God, just as I am.

We are called out of dehumanizing practices and attitudes, and into the re-humanizing grace of Jesus. Please choose to wholeheartedly participate!

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The Appearance Verdict

3/8/2018

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The Issue: How a person looks on the outside determines his or her value and worth and how we treat them.

We have our criteria, what makes a person look trustworthy and attractive. We also have our list of features and/or attire that diminishes trust and attractiveness. Let’s just think through a few things that we use to determine the worth of a person:

Skin Color - Yep, I threw it out there. It is amazing to me that a slight change in pigment will have us all out of sorts. This is mostly due to buying into the narratives about “people like them” and rarely has anything to do with the person standing before us. Think about it for a moment. Who should we be scared of? What does a terrorist look like? Who is most likely to want to hurt you? Multiple studies of human behavior have shown that we are more comfortable in homogeneous situations, and while we value diversity, perhaps we value it at a distance. And if we think this is just a white person’s problem, I beg to differ. I think that each group has fears about the "other" group, and while they are different, fear continues to be a factor in our treatment of each other. So, topping my list is how much pigment a person has.
Clothing - I think something we tend to notice right away is what a person is wearing. While I think this is natural and does communicate something about the person, we can use this information as a way to connect or as a way to objectify and/or disassociate ourselves. Here are a few examples. A young girl is walking by dressed in all black, hair dyed black, with dark make-up on her face and looking straight at the ground…do you engage her? A mom is picking up her kids at school and she has some yoga pants on with a tank top…do you feel comfortable talking with her? A man stops by your office and he is in a black suit and blue tie with some sort of nice smelling cologne…do you say hello? A man in a long coat and sweat pants passes you on the sidewalk and through his very full beard says, “Good morning,” do you run or strike up a conversation? Sometimes, what people wear is connected to their on feeling of self-worth and how they are feeling that particular day. Sometimes, people go through phases of self-doubt and depression that has them dress a certain way. Sometimes, people are more comfortable with their bodies that you are (or I am) and so they wear things that we would never wear. Sometimes, they have had little guidance about what to wear so they are out there just making it happen. I my years in ministry, it seems that this very subject is gossiped about more than anything else and it is entirely and fundamentally wrong. We can engage people and do better than a judging look and a friend that agrees they should not dress like that!
Ink or No Ink - You know, I’ve come a long way in my Christian perspective (read some sarcasm here) because I started off being told that tattoos were acts of rebellion against the word of God and somewhere along the way I was told that unless I cared enough about something to have it permanently placed on my body, then I really didn’t love enough. So, I think this is another area where biases can be exposed and we can choose to disconnect with each other. Candidly, I use tattoos as conversation starters. Tell me what your tattoo means? What is the story behind that tattoo, it is really interesting? While I don’t have any tattoos myself (I don’t care enough - jokes), I don’t think a lack of tattoos or a plethora of them should build a wall between folks. One of the things I will also say is that tattoos sometimes point to a person’s pain and in conversation with someone who has many tattoos, you might uncover multiple ways to help, love, and guide a person. So, the conversations might not always be fast and they might not always be happy, but they are needed. I often wonder if some folks stereotype me for not having tattoos, and if that causes a disconnecting reaction in them…
Weight/Fitness - Why is it that you can run into someone that you haven’t seen in a long time and the first thing out of their mouth is…something about your weight? There is always one relative who wants you to be healthy and skinny (or at least smaller than you are right now) and there is one relative who thinks you need to eat more and wants you to look happy (they are usually the one cooking). But seriously, why is it that we tend to judge trustworthiness and worth based upon how fit someone is? Now, I know that there are health issues associated with weight, but there are also emotional, spiritual, family of origin, and habitual factors as well. Yet, a person’s pant size or shirt size should not prevent us from engaging them or be a factor in our dehumanization. It is interesting to me that we can claim that those who are overweight just don’t care about themselves and those who are fit are narcissistic. I would suggest that in many cases, there are reasons why persons are driven to go to the gym for hours and others are driven to rest, relax, and eat…and those reasons might surprise us if we ever chose to engage the person!
Stature - As a relatively short man, married to a relatively tall woman, I am often intrigued by responses to us. Yes, she is taller than I am and yes I am aware of it…but why do people think that the man must be taller than his wife for the marriage to work well? I find the divorce rate is higher among those who marry taller men, because it is a preference we have that truly indicates nothing. (so there!) I have been accused of having a “Napoleon” complex when asserting myself. My wife has been told she intimidates others. Why do we play this game? It is true that if you are in charge of something, people tend to have more respect for a taller man than a shorter man. It is also true that men often feel intimidated by taller women than shorter women, so wear those heels girls! Yet, we use the height of a person to determine their worth and to decide if we can treat them poorly? Surely we cannot do this. I think we will find that regardless of how short or tall a person is, they all want to be connected to others and using their stature as a disconnection point is just plain silly and often says more about the person complaining than the actual person about whom we are complaining.
Vertedness - Are you outgoing or reserved? While this is more internal to folks, it often displays in ways that are external and observed by others. For example, I have two children and one will come up to anyone with a hug and a smile while the other one will hide behind my leg and try to pretend like no one is talking to him. I have found that people prefer extraverts, but most of us are introverts. You wouldn’t believe some of the questions I get about my reserved little boy…or maybe you would if you have one too. And the thing is, he is a real hoot most of the time at home! They don’t see that, oh and they also don’t see my other child constantly wanting me to take her places so she can see people, talk to people, hang out with people, “I’m bored” is an anthem! I love my children, and they are different in a very real way. I am going to say that as we encounter folks, we might have an image of how they are to be. Why? Because we have experienced someone else in the same position or have a predisposition of how a person should act given a certain set of expectations and criteria. What we need to understand is that sometimes our expectations are wrong, ungrounded, and hypocritical. We also need to understand that just like we want the ability to “be ourselves” in our own roles, so to we to extend that courtesy to others. Sometimes dehumanization can happen through our presuppositions of how a person should be, which goes beyond the notion of ill-treatment of the stranger but reveals unreasonable expectations of a family member or friend.

What would you add to the list, I’m sure there is more to consider but I want to close with a thought from the Old Testament story of the selection of King David. God has this great line in the story, see if you can find it!

1 Samuel 16: 6 When they arrived, Samuel took one look at Eliab and thought, “Surely this is the Lord’s anointed!” 7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 8 Then Jesse told his son Abinadab to step forward and walk in front of Samuel. But Samuel said, “This is not the one the Lord has chosen.” 9 Next Jesse summoned Shimea, but Samuel said, “Neither is this the one the Lord has chosen.” 10 In the same way all seven of Jesse’s sons were presented to Samuel. But Samuel said to Jesse, “The Lord has not chosen any of these.” 11 Then Samuel asked, “Are these all the sons you have?” “There is still the youngest,” Jesse replied. “But he’s out in the fields watching the sheep and goats.” “Send for him at once,” Samuel said. “We will not sit down to eat until he arrives.” 12 So Jesse sent for him. He was dark and handsome, with beautiful eyes. And the Lord said, “This is the one; anoint him.” 13 So as David stood there among his brothers, Samuel took the flask of olive oil he had brought and anointed David with the oil. And the Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon David from that day on. Then Samuel returned to Ramah.

I wonder what might be our approach to folks, if we could look past the outward appearance and see the heart. Maybe broken…Maybe mended…Perhaps pure…Perhaps not so pure. It is interesting to me that God chose and man described as dark, handsome, with beautiful eyes…but it was David’s heart that God really selected. When we learn to look past appearance, it is the heart that allows us to “humanize” each other and truly say, “I select you,” in a conversation, a look, or a relationship. Let’s re-humanize the world!

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Am I The Problem?

2/27/2018

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You know, I really don’t want to post this. I really don’t want to admit to you that I have a dehumanization problem and I also don’t want to charge you, a reader of this blog, of having the same sinful disposition as I do. However, I can’t get it out of my head. I know that many of us have Christ and live in new life, but I am equally aware that we are still in active recovery from our sin addictions—or we had better be anyway. I can’t read, “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” and listen again to the words found in Romans 1 about how humanity gave their hearts over to other gods and in so doing, their worship shifted. Once the object of our worship shifts, then our treatment of God’s good creation also shifts…and this includes each other. The result of this monumental lapse in judgement is dehumanization.

Now, I know that we don’t willingly participate in the larger projects of dehumanization. Sure, I’m embarrassed by the very notion of slavery. I detest the global sex slave system that buys and sells children like they are items to purchased. I don’t like reading history books that tell the story of how Africans were thought of as less than human so that they might be treated harshly by their “owners.” I can’t even begin to understand the American pornography machine and its influence in our society. I am tired, as I have already pointed out, of watching people get shot-up by guns in the hands of persons with an attitude of vengeance steeped in dehumanization so rampant in our current American “modus operandi.”

But—we don’t participate it in, right? I mean, I surely don’t join in this sin, do I? Well, let me give you several ways in which we dehumanize others without even thinking it through, like instincts that come naturally to us but are the beginnings of larger and more serious world issues like the ones mentioned above:

The Appearance Verdict: How a person looks on the outside determines his or her value and worth and how we treat them.
The Give-Up: An attitude proclaiming that there is no way a person can ever change to be anything more than who they currently are.
The Permission: Usually in a conflict in which there is disagreement with a person and some of their behaviors, We give ourselves permission to treat a person poorly because it is justified.
The Capacity Problem: An attitude that belittles a person by asserting that there is no way this person can process, understand, or empathize with others due to factors of experience and cultural background among others.
The Superiority Neurosis: An expression of self-aggrandizement that makes sure a person knows that they don’t have the experience and expertise that we do and so our contributions matter more than theirs ever will.
The Look Away: A behavior that usually happens in areas with many persons in which we look down or seem too busy so that we don’t have to acknowledge the existence of others or look in their direction because we might actually have to say, “Hello.”
The Isolationist: We let technology, among other things, bear the burden of blame for our escape of each other by constantly engaging in mediated communication and lack of relationships.

While this list is not exhaustive and really has just been compiling in my mind for the last few weeks, it wasn’t all that hard for me to come up with ways in which we, me and you, have bought into systems that dehumanize those who we pass each and every day. As a minister, I have heard these statements above in a church context by those devoted to the teachings of Jesus, readers of God’s Word, and participants in the “new humanity,” along with new creation, promised in the New Testament. And maybe similar to your experience; not only have I stood on the giving end of these, but I have also been on the receiving end of these.

So, for the next few writings, I want to unpack these briefly stated notions listed above. I want to think about what it looks like to be countercultural in a culture that currently continues the ancient practice of dehumanization in innovative ways.

I have heard it said that we should seek to “be the change your want to see in the world,” and so if I want to stop slavery, end shootings, or overcome a porn-saturated culture; then it starts with restoring my heart and opening my eyes to the very things that I do, and that you do too. We must address the attitudes and ideas that start distinguishing us from them and them and them; creating a hierarchy of value. You see, I can’t pass gun laws and I can’t evaluate FBI tips. I can’t tell you exactly how I might react if I was in an active shooter situation. What I can admit is my own contribution to the larger problem, and I can seek revolutionary new ways of loving my neighbors.

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5 Everyday Ways To Build Intimacy With Your Spouse

2/10/2018

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I took the kids to buy their Valentine cards last night. Going through the aisles at Target filled with chocolates, candies, stuffed animals, “hatchables,” and cards for every type of relationship on the planet…they all reminded me of what Hayley and I have made a habit of doing some time around Valentine’s Day. We spend time together. I like to think I have “graduated” from the heart shaped chocolate boxes and annual stuffed animal (which was a staple in our dating relationship between 1997-2001) and now it is about have some extended time together, usually at a well-picked restaurant of her choosing (she finds good food!), sharing and connecting.

In a fast paced life, we can buy things that remind our loved ones how special they are…and that does help. In addition to all of the monetary ways to say, “I Love You,” we can also just be present…it costs nothing and builds deeper intimacy than all the chocolate, roses, and teddy bears we can buy. Below is an article, I believe it was written by Christi Straub and posted to Joshua Straub’s blog. As we think about this week of love and intimacy, as we make our plans for Valentine’s Day, the Straubs provide a way of thinking about intimacy that goes beyond the holiday to every day, and celebrates the normal routines that build love and connection in our marriages.

Last Thursday morning, I fell out of “like” with my husband, Josh. And if I’m honest, it happens fairly often.

Here’s how it went down: The night before we chose not to clean up the kitchen after dinner. This is rare in the Straub home, but on this night, we abandoned it all for a family dance party—leaving behind an overflowing sink of dishes, food on the table, sticky refrigerator, and crumbs on the floor screaming for us to step in them.

I was almost proud of myself. Choosing people over projects, something against my get-‘er-done nature. Then, Thursday morning came. I was making the kids’ lunches for school. Josh was unloading and re-loading the dishwasher. #teamwork

Then the comments started. Josh’s running commentary about how nasty the table was and how much food mysteriously ends up on the floor under our blessed children’s chairs. The garbage smells. The counters are sticky.

It hit a nerve and my defenses flared: “Stop. I get it. You think I don’t know that?”

Sure, we chose not to clean up the kitchen together, but somehow the diatribe triggered my all-too-familiar lie: I’m failing as a mother and wife, again.

He didn’t mean to hurt me; he wasn’t even directing the comments toward me. Truthfully, Josh pulls more than his man-sized weight around the house. He didn’t deserve my defensiveness, but those truths didn’t matter when it triggered my lie. I was angry at him for making me feel like a failure, and I didn’t like him because of it.

I fell out of like with Josh that morning. And I bet if you were to ask him, he didn’t like me much in that moment either.

One lesson we continue to learn is that like is a feeling, but love is a choice. The intimacy in our relationship isn’t based on some grand vacation we take or date night we have. Intimacy is built on the choices we make each day—and more often than not, how we choose to handle these moments of dislike in the here-and-now.

So how do we grow in intimacy in our marriage, when all of hell and our hellion-like natures are warring against us? We’re practical people who need practical things to hang our hats on, so here are five everyday ways we’ve found help us build intimacy in our marriage.

1. Be willing to endure negative feelings.
Josh’s favorite definition of intimacy is from a psychologist named David Burns. “Intimacy is the willingness to endure the negative feelings you get when you get close to another person.”

I know—downer, right? Culture would like us to believe that negative emotion in our marriage is a sign toward a way out. But what if it’s actually the way in?

To clarify, this post is not about abusive or coercive situations. We would never advise enduring negative emotion that comes with being treated in such a way. Instead, for spouses experiencing the everyday ups and downs of being married—insecurities and all—actually pressing into the negative emotion can make or break our marital intimacy. I was hurt because I felt like Josh was criticizing me for not keeping a clean house. Once he knew he hit a nerve with me, he immediately stopped and asked what was going on underneath my anger.

What if, instead of getting defensive, we press into the negative emotion and give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. Asking, “What could be going on underneath their accusation?”

When we empathize with, and understand that feeling, intimacy grows.

2. Tuck each other into bed.
We tuck our kids into bed, why not our spouse? We find going to bed together is one of the best ways to stay connected. You can cuddle, pray together, and debrief the day.

And for the love of all that’s good in our marriages, let’s leave the phones somewhere else.

3. Be mindful of disconnection—and act on it.
We know whether or not we feel close with our spouse. We also know those moments when disconnection starts to kick in. Instead of ignoring those feelings of disconnection, act on them.

Sometimes all it takes is one simple gesture. Writing a note. Buying a little treat. Sending a text. Planning a date. Putting the kids down early. Making time to close that subjective gap we feel often doesn’t require a lot, it just requires our intentionality.

4. Share with your spouse what God is teaching you.
My default was to pour out my heart and hot tears to a girlfriend and come home to give Josh the brief synopsis. My friends saw the raw me, while Josh got the Cliffs Notes version. I wanted to open up, but it felt unsure and so deeply private. But one tip-toe at a time, I began sharing what God was teaching me.

When we share with one another what God is teaching us individually, it gives insight into our deepest selves. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability.

I’m learning to listen with empathy when Josh shares his fears, instead of correcting or fixing or critiquing. It’s opened him up to want to share more with me and I’m getting a private peek into Josh’s relationship with Jesus because he feels more comfortable sharing it with me. Those insights have allowed me to pray for him and encourage him in ways I’ve never been able to before.

5. Talk openly about sex.
Sex is often a deeply personal subject for women. Sex holds great power to bring together and to divide. Great sex is a mutual willingness on the part of both spouses to give pleasure, not merely receive it. Because of this, nobody should feel coerced or like they have to give in to sex. On the other hand, neither are we to withhold sex for a long period of time from our spouse (1 Cor. 7:3-5). If the act of marriage is about serving one another, it’s no wonder that that the enemy often twists sex to feel like another chore after we’ve been “serving” our families all day.

So we started to talk about the elephant in the room. The wanting; the avoiding. Giving each other insight into the whys of our default behavior. Our new understanding of one another’s view gave way to a new rhythm and desire to pursue togetherness, instead of allowing it to cause division.

Bringing the elephant into the light has brought freedom, and true intimacy requires us to feel free—to share our raw selves, to be truly known. Because being truly known and truly loved is intimacy to its fullest.

Christi Straub, M.A., M.B.A. is a native Canadian, wife to an American, and momma to two feisty preschoolers. She and her husband Josh are the cofounders of The Connextion Group, a company designed to empower marriages and families. Passionate about families in her generation, Christi writes and speaks on helping moms discover their identity and have marriages they’d wish on their children. Her honesty, wittiness, and transparency are contagious. She is also the producer and co-author of the video curriculum The Screen-Balanced Family: Six Secrets to a More Connected Family in the 21st Century. You can watch Dr. Josh + Christi live each week on Facebook Live talking about marriage and parenting in the 21st century. When she and Josh aren’t working together, they’re playing trains or having tea parties. (And trying really hard to put the phones away.)

Dr. Joshua Straub has two cherished roles, as husband—to wife Christi—and dad—to son, Landon, and daughter, Kennedy. He serves as Marriage and Family Strategist for LifeWay Christian Resources and is the president and cofounder of The Connextion Group, a company designed to empower marriages and families. He speaks for and consults with corporations, organizations, and churches about family wellness. As a family advocate and professor of child psychology/crisis response, Josh has trained thousands of professionals in crisis response. He also speaks regularly for Joint Special Operations Command and for military families across the country. He is author/coauthor of four books including Safe House: How Emotional Safety is the Key to Raising Kids Who Live, Love, and Lead Well and creator, along with Christi, of TwentyTwoSix Parenting, an online community of parents offering discipleship tools for their kids. Together, they host the Dr. Josh + Christi podcast and their weekly Facebook Live broadcasts reach tens of thousands of families.

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